Today, in casual conversation with my mom, we talked about a photo my brother Caleb, author of http://www.calebsapps.com, had posted to his Facebook wall. (The photo is below).
In this conversation I told her that I had recently sat at a table with 3 other friends and 3 of us (yes, including me) admitted to seriously contemplating suicide in the last year.
I decided to write about it because while speaking with my friends it hit me really hard: life is rough and sometimes it’s harder to be alive than it is to be dead. I’m not saying this to be funny; this shit isn’t funny. The last year has been really fucking hard for me and, obviously, for many of my friends as well.
Last July postpartum depression, anxiety, holy-craziness hit me like a ton of shitty bricks. I became a complete asshole; most people couldn’t see how bad it was but I was a jerk to my husband even though I tried so hard to hold it in. I was a ball of anger. I was so mad about nothing. Everything set me off. Holy hell, just recalling some of the things I wanted to scream at people about makes me feel ridiculous but at the time they were a big deal to my muddled and helpless brain.
I felt worthless and unneeded. I had to convince myself that my daughter still needed me so she could continue to breastfeed. That was enough to keep me around at least.
To be clear, I spent 10 years of my life on Wellbutrin because I always try to do more than I can handle and have never had a good hold on my anxiety. A couple years after meeting my husband I was able to wean off of it (he was a huge help in taking some of the burden of my life from me) but went back on it last summer due to the insanity plaguing me. I also have seen a counselor for many years now and still see her on and off.
The craziest thing about all of this is that I am afraid to die; it’s like the ultimate fear of missing out. I have so much to do, so much love to give, places to visit, foods to try, sports to play, muscles to build, the list goes on. I have a family who loves me and a daughter I can’t bare the thought leaving. Thankfully these things are what helped me reason my way back to reality even on the hardest days in the darkest of hours. What this also shows me is that even for those of us who would love to live until a very ripe old age, sometimes it seems easier just not to.
I have had far too many friends take their lives and have over and over learned how much it fucking sucks. I always wonder what I could have done to help. What went wrong? How could life be so fucking bad that it was better to be dead? Well, most of the time, life isn’t actually that bad but your mind says it’s too damn much to handle. Thankfully, I have no desire to leave my loved ones with this burden. I was able to get past those thoughts and just deal with the hard times. There will be more hard times but I feel like having hopes and dreams will always keep me around; I have too much to accomplish in this already-short-life.
I know this conversation was shocking to my mom and it may also be to you but rest assured that I am feeling well and plan on sticking around to show you just how awesome my life really is. Just remember that life is hard and we don’t always see the suffering of others; be kind, be thoughtful, be there if they need you. Life is already too damn short.
Also, please reach out to someone if you are thinking about taking your own life or just need some emotional support. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
windydayinmay 